It's all too much
It’s all too much

Breakfast is looking a lot different around here. I am yelling, well, almost never. At least not for the past three days. My husband has finally seen the value of helping with the morning routine. Everyone is happier for the most part. Now there is time for me to treat him like my boyfriend again. He gets the attention he needs. I offer an actual kind hearted good morning, a kiss goodbye and a genuine wish for him to have a nice day at work. The best part is really how the kids seem to be calmer and I can take a moment to shower. Getting the morning routine down may take years.

Sometimes I make lunches the night before. This makes it easier, but often I am simply too tired.
Despite this new help…I am eating everything in site. Buying every good deal and drinking whatever is put in front of me. I am bingeing.
I told my husband today that I just need to get away from my life. He laughed and asked me if I’d like to hear a joke. I want to not have to stand around with two dozen other over heating parents waiting in the standing room only viewing area,  for their kid’s martial arts lesson to end. I want to escape another drop-off, and pick-up, another run to the store for kid snacks, and the loads of laundry that make up my personal fifth circle of hell. The craziest part of this experience is that a little bit of help let’s me realize how much pressure there is everyday to plan and complete tasks. It is truly tiring. By the time I get this right, I will have kids long gone out of the house. I am thankful that there is money and dare I say credit to fuel the madness.
The gallstone issue has not amounted to much, which may be good news. I have had no news on that front. This idea of a third child is fleeting. My age old infertility is the problem. I will find out shortly what can be done about it, if anything.
But I am in a funk that I am finding tough to shake. Meantime, I am checking my work email constantly. I am being asked to work on projects that are at once frightening and welcome.
Hope I can deliver. This is what I have wanted. I feel a bit frantic yet trying to keep it all together.
My husband asks me for a smile. In this moment. I don’t have that to give. Imagine, when a smile is too hard.

Can a girl catch her breath

Twirling girl
Twirling girl

It was 2:30pm today before any actual food passed my lips. My oldest slept in until  7:29am so I had time to put some cereal in a bowl for the 2 year old, make French toast and prepare lunch. It is magical having some sort of breakfast prepared before the kids reach the table. It makes all the difference between screaming monster family and a photo spread in Parenting magazine.

I was running around to doctor appointments. The first one tells me I am ovulating and could produce two eggs this cycle one from each ovary. The other appointment, to verify any gallstones. I have cut out sugar, and dairy to try to help them disappear. I bought $90 in pills at the health food store to improve digestion so that maybe they would disappear. I will get results next week from the fertility doctor who saw them in the first place. This is often how gallstones are discovered, by accident. No sugar and dairy for a week equals about two pounds lost. Yes.

So I take my two year old with me to the fertility clinic. I feel crazy. Every moment of the day I question this need for a third child. I am an only child from a single parent home. I silently vowed to have a family, and check off all the boxes that we already know makes good families and happy people. I want to make sure my kids never feel alone in the world and that they know as weird as their life may be, they are not the only one who lived that experience. Loneliness is something one carries inside them. Not having any siblings puts a fine point on it all. There are moments I wish I could call someone and be vulnerable. Friends don’t really become family, because they have family of their own.

This question of a third child seems rich when some people struggle for just one. Every time my kids have a meltdown, or I am alone to do school drop off and pick, making lunches giving baths and changing diapers I wonder if I can add another person to this madness. The answer is often no.

My husband still gets caught up in what people think of him. He drinks too much and opts out of adult things, like paying bills and family obligations. My mother is as she always was, available when she wants to be, which is not often.

This urge to create my own healthy family is strong. I worry that my career will be over and that my bosses won’t take me seriously with three kids. That my colleagues will count me out. It’s hard to keep up. But maybe I wouldn’t have it any other way.

We mused this weekend about moving to the country visiting family. My oldest cried when it was time to return to the city. But the minute I stepped through my front door, I was angry with myself that I had even entertained the idea of giving it all up to sit in the country and take it slow.

This black wife is just not built that way….


Middle Age Problems

The window for my last possible child is closing. I am  past 40 and it’s now or never. It is hard to come to terms with leaving the childbearing time of life behind. No more making friends in the park, no more watching a tiny being turn into a the master of their little world. I enjoy the baby stage even with all the challenges.

I was talking to my fertility doctor and investigating the possibility. I told him about this pain on my left side that I get. He checked it out with his ultrasound and it looks like Gallstones and sludge.

No way to have a baby till that’s taken care of and soon. I called my naturopath. I’m seeing her later today. I also booked another ultrasound to check it out and be sure. The treatment is removal. And then no fatty foods for me, or risk the runs!

This is an unpleasant development. And my back pain is as a result of losing some curvature in my spine after being pregnant twice. I have said for a long time, I am not done with babies, but maybe very soon I will have to say finally, I AM done.