Breakfast is looking a lot different around here. I am yelling, well, almost never. At least not for the past three days. My husband has finally seen the value of helping with the morning routine. Everyone is happier for the most part. Now there is time for me to treat him like my boyfriend again. He gets the attention he needs. I offer an actual kind hearted good morning, a kiss goodbye and a genuine wish for him to have a nice day at work. The best part is really how the kids seem to be calmer and I can take a moment to shower. Getting the morning routine down may take years.
Sometimes I make lunches the night before. This makes it easier, but often I am simply too tired.
Despite this new help…I am eating everything in site. Buying every good deal and drinking whatever is put in front of me. I am bingeing.
I told my husband today that I just need to get away from my life. He laughed and asked me if I’d like to hear a joke. I want to not have to stand around with two dozen other over heating parents waiting in the standing room only viewing area, for their kid’s martial arts lesson to end. I want to escape another drop-off, and pick-up, another run to the store for kid snacks, and the loads of laundry that make up my personal fifth circle of hell. The craziest part of this experience is that a little bit of help let’s me realize how much pressure there is everyday to plan and complete tasks. It is truly tiring. By the time I get this right, I will have kids long gone out of the house. I am thankful that there is money and dare I say credit to fuel the madness.
The gallstone issue has not amounted to much, which may be good news. I have had no news on that front. This idea of a third child is fleeting. My age old infertility is the problem. I will find out shortly what can be done about it, if anything.
But I am in a funk that I am finding tough to shake. Meantime, I am checking my work email constantly. I am being asked to work on projects that are at once frightening and welcome.
Hope I can deliver. This is what I have wanted. I feel a bit frantic yet trying to keep it all together.
My husband asks me for a smile. In this moment. I don’t have that to give. Imagine, when a smile is too hard.